I'd like to order a Shamrock Snake

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Someday I would like to earn a holiday of my own. They’ll call it St. Steve’s Day, or Honorary Yogurt Deputy Day. Celebrations could involve dumping large amounts of purple and green dye into the nearest wide river and only allowing chocolate soft-serve with crushed Reese’s for dessert.

But in order to earn a day, I’ll have to do something legendary, or at least something beneficial for a lot of people. Today I turn to St. Patrick for inspiration. I’ll examine the greatest deeds attributed to the Irish Catholic hero in an effort to find one I could do. If all goes well, I’ll have my own day in no time!

First thing first: St. Patrick was captured by pirates and sold as a slave for six years of captivity… Unless public school counts, I don’t think this one will work for me. There’s no way I would consider myself captive currently. I love my job at Suzy’s! (Plus we’re hiring lots of new friends! Apply online if you want to join me in having fun!)

Next, St. Patrick brought Catholicism to Ireland, using a 3-leaf clover to explain the Christian Trinity. I could try to do the same, but as far as I know, the Suzy’s machines only swirl two amazing flavors into one. To use those as a proper metaphor I’d need at least three flavors to combine. Plus a cup can contain limitless combinations of flavors, making it a bad metaphor for a triune God.

This leaves me with one more well-known deed to emulate. Otherwise, I’ll have no chance at a holiday of my own (at least not one like St. Patrick’s Day). Although National Geographic considers it ahistorical, it’s said that St. Patrick permanently drove all snakes from Ireland completely. Maybe I could… well… hmmm.

Yeah, it’s hopeless! Even if I started at Suzy’s Swirl in Lake Bluff, the furthest I could get and reliably rid of snakes is Suzy’s Swirl in Lake Forest, which will be crowded with its grand seasonal reopening! Maybe I should stick to swirling for now and make both locations incredibly joyful.

I wonder what Jesus did to earn Easter? Maybe I could do that…

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”

Winston Spear